𝐖𝐀𝐘 𝐓𝐎𝐎 𝐆𝐎𝐎𝐃 𝐀𝐓 𝐆𝐎𝐎𝐃𝐁𝐘𝐄𝐒...

WELL HELLO THERE !

It is in high hopes you have read my previous post. This is slightly a continuation of that. If not, here is a small review; I discussed having some major issues in my childhood which trailed into my adulthood. (Don't we all... *covers face*) Wait ! There are some life lessons that I do love, and wish to keep. One of those being the idea of forgiveness.

So, here we go ...

As a youngster, I never understood the importance of forgiveness. I was raised in church (chileeee, was I in church a lot), so it was taught in order to be... "right with the lord", forgiveness was what I had to do. BLAH, BLAH, BLAHHH. (Boy did they get that teaching wrong - but thats a discussion for a whole other post.) However, in my adolescence, and because of my immaturity, if you betrayed or wronged me I was completely done. I did not want to discuss anything .I held on to the anger and chopped it up to it being "thats just who YOU were", as a whole. My idea of forgiveness was simple, I wanted to be "right with the lord",so I forced myself to forgive... but not heal.

Forgiveness was such a "malignant" idea (im sure to many) because it could and should have been better explained. The more I began to understand forgiveness, I than questioned what makes forgiveness so hard? Is it the person who wronged me or the mishaps that took place? What am I upset or heartbroken over? Some people often say both. Nonetheless, in my maturing, I realized that I could forgive some and struggled with forgiving others. What violation is worth walking away from? How do I know which had malice intent? So many thoughts ran through my head as I worked out who's worth staying in my life.

Difficult question, but I made it simple. Any and everyone who I felt played a part of me not feeling at peace or at ease, I gave permission to walk away and not be in my life. I was fine with not interacting with them anymore (or so I thought). Again, I was not healing. I never got closure to some situations, I never took responsibility if I may have played a part and more importantly I was not truly forgiving. I simply shut down or shut them out. Sad right? It's what most adults do; either of the two, or leave. Maybe I repeated what I saw. No need to explain , the deed is done, please go. (Am I the only one who does this?)

"I'm good" was my favorite response. It was me being in autopilot from (as I stated in my last blog) the heartbroken little girl. I am once again PROTECTING HER!

Dont judge me (side eye). I googled forgiveness. Not because I didn't know what it meant ,I just wanted to see what google had to say. It read ...

"Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to

release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has

harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing

offenses."

Boy did I cry. FORGIVENESS IS FOR YOU ! It is a release .

Again, me holding on to my pain was my way to show those people... YOU HURT ME! But I was not wearing my pain well. I was angry, bitter, resentful, harsh at times. It showed.

However, the idea of forgiveness teaches a few key features;

1. How I feel is not invalid. Those are my feelings.

2. Me forgiving you is not condoning or excusing your actions .

3. More importantly, I am no longer constantly rewinding what happened in my brain. Regardless if you deserve forgiveness or not, I deserve the freedom to not be tied to that part of uneasiness, pain or heartache.

Okay, so once I grasp the concept of that, and (if you knew me you would know) I can be a tad ( just a smidgen) of a petty person (dont judge me. LOL). I began to FORGIVE SO MUCH FASTER. I refuse to feel that ANYONE had any type of control over me. BOOM...FORGIVEN.

Now look here, I did not say I have perfected that "FORGET " part of this forgiveness thing. I mean, I do not dwell on it, and you do not get to misuse me again. I pay close attention to signs. I do not hollow in self pity. I am not constantly replaying scenarios , and I for damn sure refuse to give power to others over me. You dont get to control my response either. Im actually doing much better with not completely shutting EVERYONE who did something I disagreed with out. So yes, I have gotten way to good at goodbyes, and Im unsure if its a good or bad thing. Just know they've been forgiven to say the least (rolls eyes). I'll update you on the forgetting another time.

Until we meet again, *two fingers up* IM OUT!

-xoxo, kandii.