𝐌𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐈𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐞𝐬 𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐕𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞.

It took me a long time to get back to writing. I feel so open, so vulnerable. Yup! That is the word, VULNERABLE. I hate it. I am no good at letting others in. I shrivel at the idea of allowing others an entrance into my soul, my thoughts or fears; and I’ll be damned if I “feel played”. I have trust issues. I know. Welp, here we go...

In Cosmetology, during the Skin Care Module, I learned of the skins protective layer called the Acid Mantle. The Acid Mantle is a very fine, slightly acidic film on the surface of human skin acting as a barrier to bacteria, viruses and other potential contaminants that might penetrate the skin. The important word to remember; BARRIER. Once one's acid mantle is damaged, it can lead to dehydration, excess oil while your skin works to repair that dehydration, acne, sensitivity, inflammation, flaky skin, psoriasis, eczema, rosacea, and a whole host of other ISSUES you'd probably rather not deal with. (Sorry, being as though I love ALL THING BEAUTY, I figured I used such as my metaphor.) The good news is a DAMAGED acid mantle is not permanent. It can be repaired.

( Inhale, Exhale)

Okay. I am unsure of the age I became "damaged goods". I can't remember when I bec

ame so closed off to people. I just know I have gotten to the point where I'm like... "Please, do not stand to close (you’re in my bubble). Don’t ask about my personal life, because I will feel that you have ulterior motives. Please don’t hug me if my body language does not show approval, or warrant you to come close." Crazy! I know. Its weird, because others often state, how friendly I am. To me, I am shocked because I feel I am the heartbroken little girl who does not want to sit at the lunch table with you (if you get what I am saying. No offense.) It's hard to process. I don’t give people to many chances to mess up in my life; I forgive but rest assure… I NEVER FORGET.

I guess you can say, over the years after being disappointed & heartbroken, I built my own "protective layer" against any future or potential "contamination" in my life. I don't believe that I planned for it to last this long; it was only supposed to get me through my childhood. (Or so I thought.) Sometimes, I wonder who is responding to certain situations, me or the distraught little girl. Often, I feel like I'm protecting her.

Yes, its clear, and I believe everyone should go at least once in their lives...THERAPY; It is imperative so that my "protective layer" does not become permanent, and unrepairable. Often, and I'm sure you can relate, we explode and we can't find a definitive response as to why.

Why did flip out overs someones open-ended question?

Why am I so hurt when someone doesn't show up for me?

Who am I running from when I become so introverted?

Am I still the little girl/ or boy who is in need of something and it is showing up in my adulthood?

Yea, I know - I admit, I have More Issues than Vogue. Hell, I might even be the author of an entire series. AT ALMOST 30 (that just stressed me out. LOL) I do not want to take that into the next chapter of my life. Until we as adults start to seek out the help needed, we'll constantly revert to the little person who was probably at the time seeking validation. Unbeknownst to us, we probably built a protective layer that we never dealt with, and we thought we were doing ourselves good.

So if it makes you feel any better...

YOU ARE ENOUGH; YOU ARE SMART. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO. WHAT HAPPEN TO YOU AS A CHILD WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU CAN BREAK GENERATIONAL CURSES. YOU ARE BRILLIANT. YOU ARE BEAUTIFULly AND WONDERFULLY MADE. YOU ARE NOT YOUR MISTAKES. YOU ARE THE HEAD AND NOT THE TAIL. YOU ARE A LEADER IN YOUR OWN RIGHT. THE WORLD NEEDS YOU.

I figured someone needs to hear that LOUD & CLEAR.

-xoxo, Kandii